We love laughter and humour, so we hope that you will find something here to uplift your day. 'A cheerful heart is good medicine' Prov 17:22a.
Jesus Is Watching YouA burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables and when he picked up a CD player to place it is his sack, a strange, disembodied voice, echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a while, he shook his head, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell, he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed and then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird 'Moses'?"
"The kind of people that would name a rottweiller 'Jesus'."
Q & A'sQ. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest male financier in the Bible?
A. Noah, he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharoah's daughter, she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury; David's Triumph was heard throughout the land; and probably a Honda because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Holmes & WatsonSherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" asked Sherlock.
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets...
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo...
Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three...
Theologically, it's evidence that the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant...
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day today...
What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent!"
RiddleWhat is greater than God;
More evil than the devil;
The poor have it;
The rich need it;
And if you eat it, you'll die?
When asked this riddle, 80% of kindergarten kids got the answer, compared to 17% of Stamford University Seniors. Give up? Text 0777 555 9554 for the answer or send an email.
15 November '7
The Lost Chapter of GenesisAdam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. so, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bare your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history or should I say "her-story"!
17 April '7
New PastorA new pastor was visiting in the homes of his congregation. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10'. Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter...
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked"!
5 August 07
Simply DivineT.D. Jakes (a well-known preacher) was returning to Texas after a
speaking engagement. When his plane arrived, there was a limousine there
to transport him to his home in Dallas. As he prepared to get into the
limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver. ’You know’ he said, ’I am
almost 50 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind
if I drove it for a while?
The driver said, ’No problem, have a go at it.’ T.D. gets into the driver’s seat and they head off down the highway.
A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first
speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph
zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the
driver’s door and when the glass was rolled down he was surprised to see
who was driving.
He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his
supervisor. He told the supervisor, ’I know we are supposed to enforce the law but I also know that important people are sometimes given certain courtesies.
I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important
person.’ ’The supervisor asked, ’Is it the governor?’ The young trooper said, ’No, he’s more important than that.’
The supervisor said, ’Oh, so it’s the president.’ The young trooper said, ’No, he’s even more important than that.’
The supervisor finally asked, ’Well then, who is it?’
The young trooper said, I think it’s Jesus because he’s got T. D. Jakes
for a chauffeur!!!!!
15 November 07
Passport PhotoIf you look like your passport photograph, you probably need the trip.
What You Can BearI know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.
Can I Help?If I can be of any help, you're in more trouble than I thought.
Photographic MemoryEverybody has a photographic memory... Some just don’t have film.
Father's DayThere are more reverse charge calls on this day than on any other day of the year.
ProfessionalsRemember, the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.
Candy From a BabyAnyone who says "Easy as taking candy from a baby", has never tried it.
PunctualityThe trouble with being punctual, is that nobody's ever there to appreciate it.
Franklin P Jones
Being Helpful?As he was walking along the street, a minister saw a little girl trying to reach a high doorknocker. Anxious to help, he went over to her.
"Let me do it, dear," he said, rapping the knocker vigorously.
"Great,thanks" said the little girl.
11 February 2008
Athiest In the WoodsAn atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees"!
"What powerful rivers"!
"What beautiful animals"! He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Heaven help me!"
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR behave like a Christian"?
"Very Well," said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive, Amen."
Battleship StoryIn the darkest part of the night, a ships captain cautiously piloted his warship through the fog-shrouded waters. With straining eyes he scanned the hazy darkness, searching for dangers lurking just out of sight.
Then His worst fears were realised when he saw a bright light straight ahead. It appeared to be a vessel on a collision course with his ship. To avert disaster he quickly radioed the oncoming vessel.
"This is Captain Jeremiah Smith," his voice crackled over the radio. "Please alter your course 10 degrees south! Over."
To the captains amazement, the foggy image did not move. Instead, he heard back on the radio, "Captain Smith. This is Private Thomas Johnson. please alter your course 10 degrees north! Over."
Appalled at the audacity of the message, the captain shouted back over the radio, "Private Johnson, this is Captain Smith, and I order you to immediately alter your course 10 degree south! Over."
A second time the oncoming light did not budge. "With all due respect Captain Smith," came the privates voice again, "I order you to alter your course immediately 10 degrees north! Over."
Angered and frustrated that this impudent sailor would endanger the lives of his men and crew, the captain growled back over the radio, "Private Johnson. I can have you court-marshalled for this! For the last time, I command you on the authority of the United States government to alter your course 10 degrees to the South! I am a battleship!"
The privates final transmission was chilling: "Captain Smith, sir. Once again with all due respect, I command you to alter your course 10 degrees to the North! I am a lighthouse!"